My Terminal Diagnosis

Truth & Clickbait

“You'll never be happy 'cause you're always gonna be stuck with yourself! Unless somehow you can get away from you, you're always gonna be miserable.”

- Ira Wright (Seth Rogan), Funny People

As Justice and I sat cuddled in bed, laughing and watching the movie Funny People a couple months ago, this quote struck an ironic and painful chord. I know Hollywood wasn’t trying to be biblical. But it was.

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Seth Rogan may have been aiming that insult at Adam Sandler, but he described in perfect clarity- the condition of me.

Do you ever hate yourself? Or feel like there are two versions of you? And they constantly seem to be at war with each other?

Galatians explains:

The desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. - Galatians 5:17

I have a soul- it belongs to God.
But it’s sewn into this physical self- this flesh suit, if you will- that scripture calls a child of wrath. (Ephesians 2:3)

I struggle all the time with knowing what I should be doing, but watching myself again and again carry on doing the same thing I told myself a million times I wouldn’t do anymore.

This has been as simple as raising my voice to my kids, or as deep and dark as continuing in hidden sins, that I know deep down are destroying me, and sometimes others.

Romans explains this war within me so well.

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do- I do not do,
but what I hate, I do.
I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.
For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 
For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—
this I keep on doing. - Romans 7:15-20

My bad decision making, my sin nature- we go way back.

Even my earliest memories, I distinctly remember my strong will opposing my parents at every turn. From the time I could barely babble, my favorite word seemed to be “no.”

It seems that the moment I exited the womb, no one had to teach me how to be disobedient. It was obedience that I railed against.

No one had to model for me how to be selfish. No one had to sit me and down and say “Okay Mikayla, this is how you keep your toys to yourself and refuse to share.”

No one had to teach me how to be lazy or not pick up my mess. Or how to envy and want what someone else had. Or how to hit, or cry when I didn’t get my way.

All of these things came naturally, straight out the gate.
Because sin- is my nature.

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I have an adorable 8 month old named Reverie. She has big hazel eyes, a pouty mouth with lips shaped like a heart. When she smiles I swear it could end a world war….

It’s hard for me to comprehend that she too, even now, is her own worst enemy.

Hard to comprehend that is, until she finds a small rubber toy on the floor and shoves it in her mouth faster than I can blink. As soon as I attempt to rescue her by getting it out of her mouth- she throws a fit, grunts, yells, flails her arms in desperation and cries- like I’m somehow doing something to her!

She doesn’t know what I know; that small objects may look harmless, colorful, fun, and yes I know it’s how you learn- by shoving everything into your mouth- and sure, you could be ok this time, but doing it continually, with no correction- would be fatal.

But she doesn’t know this- and she opposes my will, and hesitates to trust that I know best for her. Already her will, at 8 months old, rails against mine.

Turns out, as cute as infants are…

“Babies are just vipers in diapers.”
- Voddie Baucham

It’s not a popular topic these days to talk about- sin.

And not just the obvious sin in adults. But original sin. The kind we are born into. The kind that makes us all, from conception- children of wrath. The kind that admits that we inherited a sinful DNA that gave us all an innate enmity towards God- A natural hatred. Even in a denial that there is one- is a hatred toward Him.

This is offensive. Trust me, I’m the one typing it and I’m genuinely offended.

This truth has implications about me- and my heart. And I don’t like it.

But the evidence is overwhelming stacked against me. I have seen my own nature, since birth- and I have watched myself naturally rail against God- my whole life.

What we really all want underneath all our unique ways we struggle with sin, our different bends towards different behaviors- is to be god. The sovereign gods of our own lives. We want our wills to be done. And we distrust, and despise any hand that dare reach into our lives.

We’re all little baby Reverie’s flailing about in the arms of our creator.

We loathe the idea that we were made in an image not of our own, without our permission- just like Reverie was made in mine and my husbands, without hers-
and that someone else designed this whole thing- to work best, in a particular way.

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I debated even writing on this topic.

There are a lot of other blogs I’d rather write. Ones that make me look better, ones that I could tell light and airy stories on topics that more people want to listen to. Ones that paint me, and you- in a better light. Ones that would be pretty to look at.

I wish that I didn’t feel convicted to write about these things. This blog has sat shelved, for years now- because I wish God would burden my heart with something else.

I know I’m not writing anything that some other Christian hasn’t written before. There are minds more intelligent, mouths more eloquent- that have spoken about such topics. So really, what difference- other than losing followers- could this possible make?

And the truth is…Writing about truth, makes me fear people will think that I think I have it all together. Like I still don’t struggle deeply with my own sin.

If what I’m after, is approval, applause, or a larger audience-
I could tell you- you’re enough. I’m enough. That we’re divine.

I could echo the common themes you’ll find on social media-
you deserve to be happy, you should pursue whatever that is.
I could write about the five easy steps to your best self.
Or to follow your heart.
I could tell you how amazing we are, when we just learn to love ourselves more.

But… how high are the stakes of diluting truth?

If you have a terminal diagnosis, and the doctor tells you ‘it’s not that bad’- so you’ll feel better temporarily- is that really loving at all?

Who needs the good news of a cure, when you’ve never been told you have a terminal diagnosis?

Or maybe you refuse to get your diagnosis. Maybe you experience all the symptoms, you know something’s not right- but you distract yourself with social media, or games on your phone, wine or weed, pursuing wealth, or parties. Or maybe your distractions are something more subtle, even good- like motherhood, working out, music, hosting people, yoga, or reading self help books.

Maybe, if you’re like me- you think if you close your eyes real tight- it’ll all go away.

But someone with pancreatic cancer refusing to go to the doctor to hear the words ‘hey, I have bad news- you have pancreatic cancer’, doesn’t make the reality of them having it- any less real. Or the consequences of ignoring it- any less grim.

But I get it- this diagnosis- feels a lot harder to accept. At least with cancer, we can be a victim to an extent.

But this diagnosis has nothing to do with something inflicted upon us- and everything to do with the cancer of our very own hearts.

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?- Jeremiah 17:9

We like to believe that any poor behavior or decisions we have ever exhibited- whether we were a child, or adult- are all due to outside circumstances. They aren’t heart issues- they’re circumstantial issues.

For example, ask anyone why they acted a certain way- and the answers will look a lot like this:

“I hit her because she took my toy.”
”I left him because he wasn’t a good husband.”
”I looked at porn because she doesn’t try to satisfy me anymore.”
”I acted that way because I had a rough childhood.”
”I drank because I was depressed.”
”I acted destructively because I lost my son.”

I’ll admit, life, people, trauma, circumstances- can be brutal. And the subsequent reaction we have to all of it, can be sad, hurtful, heartbreaking, humiliating, and dumb. Yet, sometimes- even understandable.

You know what they say, “anyone is capable of anything under the right set of circumstances.”

But the real truth is this: we are all capable of anything..
because of what’s already inside us.

If you squeeze a tube of toothpaste, what comes out?
Toothpaste.
Is the pressure of squeezing the tube the reason that toothpaste is in there?
Or is it just the outside circumstance that revealed what was already in there to begin with?

My knee jerk reaction when I think of anything I’ve ever done, is to rationalize it. Excuse it: “I was grieving.” “I was hurt.” “That person did this or that to me.” “I never had a good mom.” “I was vulnerable.”

My flesh naturally leaps to the valiant call of self preservation.

While all of those things may hold some merit in explaining my own personal sin- the truth of the matter is, I didn’t become sinful when I sinned- I sin because my very nature is sinful.

The sin is already in there, rotting me on the inside. The outside circumstances just squeeze it out- for all to see.

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I’m 32 years old and I’ll admit, the more I’ve lived, the more I’ve been sanctified.
Refined by fire and affliction. (Isaiah 48:10)
Purged with hyssop. (Psalm 51)

And my “flesh suit”, though stubborn, and slow-
really is starting to line up more and more with the true me.
The soul me.
The one connected to eternity.

But I know while I live, I still dance with the shadowy version of me here.
With her failures.
her past.
her weaknesses.
her brokenness.
her pride.

I see all the sin laid bare before me, my toothpaste on the counter outside the tube of my deceitful heart.

If I said some of the things I've done out loud I fear there would be no one left who would be interested in reading these words in the first place.

Words like: stealing, lying, pornography, lust, betrayal, sexual immorality, hatred, idolatry, addiction, alcoholism, even adultery.

And these are just words- if you knew the stories behind them, I don’t stand a chance.

And it hurts to look at. It’s painful. Humiliating.

I’m not the hero I’ve been waiting for.
I’m the anti hero I need saving from.

I have to admit that my entire life has been filled with the two opposing sides of me- the flesh me, and the soul me warring with each other, fighting to the death. And I have bad news- one of them has to die.
(Romans 6:23)

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I hear you- maybe you think this is dramatic.

It’s tempting to accept the relativistic worldview belief that we’re all mostly good cause you know- we haven’t done like the ‘big bad things’.

But it’s interesting that Jesus- when talking about morality- levels the playing field in saying things like:
The same root of committing murder- is just the emotion of anger.
The same root of committing adultery- is the mere looking at someone/ something with lust.
The root of actually stealing- is merely envy.
God said to have no other gods before him- yet, is there truly a day in any of our lives- if we’re honest- when we have loved him- above all things?

Our hearts are so depraved- to the point that we will use any excuse to dethrone God, put ourselves on the judgement throne, and judge GOD, for judging us.

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If this rubs you the wrong way- like it has me- consider this:

Your flesh naturally leaps to self preservation- because it does not want to die. It’s working against you- the real you- the soul you- that’s sewn into your sinful flesh suit.

The word says in 2 Corinthians 2:15-17 that this message is a stench to those who are perishing, but a sweet aroma to those who are his.

I know it hurts.
It’s pretty bad news to be told, we are sick.
Even worse news- that the sickness, is us.

But the good news is, there’s a cure.

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The cross, over time- as a symbol. Has largely lost it’s shock value. It’s used on bumper stickers, charm bracelets, necklaces, t-shirts etc. It’s often paired with things like flowers, rainbows, and butterflies. In the 21st century a cross seems to be a light and airy logo of Christian affiliation.

But I’d like to remind us all- that the cross in biblical times- was a symbol of a brutal, agonizing, humiliating death.

Jesus said “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.”

You see, Christianity requires a death of self.
A death, before death.
It Offers- if you're willing- A severance of you- from you.

In Matthew Jesus says

“whoever tries to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake- will find it”

The price of our sin, is death. It’s why death entered into this world- to sever our sinful flesh, from our souls that are sewn within. Romans 6:23

The world says joy is on the other side of ‘finding yourself’, ‘self- love’, and doing whatever pleases you, so long as no one gets hurt.

But Christ says true and lasting joy- is on the other side of finding him, slaying your flesh on a daily cross, and doing what pleases him. And that if you do things any other way- it is YOU that is hurting yourself- eternally.

The world says ‘more you- leads to your best self. the true you.’
Christ says ‘less you- leads to the true you. And the fullest eternal life.”

I tried the worlds version many times.
I tried to dress up my pride in words like ‘driven’ and ‘confidence’.
I tried to dress up my weaknesses in ‘I’m enough’.
I tried to dress up my brokenness in ‘I’m whole, and self aware now.”
And sometimes, when none of that worked, I tried to dress up my guilt in really, really good behavior.

But at some point, I had to face it. I cannot outrun my shadow.

I discovered the logical fallacy in believing that I could be both my problem and my solution. The disease, and the cure.

Christianity is radically different than other religions or worldviews, because it saves me…
from me.
And says my salvation, and all of the work that it took -
was done by someone else.

Christianity does not require more of me.
It does not ask me to earn my salvation- or maintain it- or beat myself for it.
It does not hinge on my ability to achieve a higher self, crack a code, reach enlightenment, pay penance, or buy my way in with money, status, or moral behavior.

I get the severance from the old me, that I desperately desire.
And I receive the grace of being a new me, a new creation.

And not just once,
But over and over and over and over and over again.

I get to live now- free from me,
so I can be truly who God says I truly am.
And if he created me, doesn’t he know?

For someone like me,
This is radical,
It’s scandalous.
Especially because he sought me out, while I still hated him.
It wasn’t after. It was while.

We all have the same terminal diagnosis, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not.
Death, in all it’s finality, is coming for the body you reside in.
There is no saving it.
But the good news is,
Christ is the cure- for what’s sewn inside.
You.