Rune is sleeping in Valor's bed
I avoided it for a long time, and then it happened all at once.
He was sleeping in a bassinet tonight like he always does. I heard him cry on the monitor and went in to nurse him, but he was STANDING holding onto the side. He’s only 6 months, but he’s already sitting, crawling, and pulling up on things…so I knew it was coming.
But I didn’t know it would happen so soon, or so fast- or so late at night on December 4, 2024- when I wouldn’t have any alternative options.
Valor’s crib is right as he left it. In my oversized closet, up against the wall.
When he first died, I could not even walk past the door, much less walk in.
Not unless I was several drinks deep.
I would take a breath, shakily turn the handle and walk in. Quickly shutting the door behind me, so as not to let the smell of him- out.
My finger would trace the furniture, the shelves. My swollen eyes looking for new signs of him. Once I found a dirty diaper in a diaper bag I had taken on a trip with him.
It took me months to throw it away.
Once I found a crumb on the ground I hadn’t seen before and I picked it up, studied it, and spent the better part of the night sobbing and screaming and bargaining with God to give him back to me.
My dad found me that night.
Justice was out of town for work and so my dad and step mom stayed with me so as not to leave me alone.
It was one of the nights I thought my grief would overcome and kill me.
I hoped it would.
He had to hold me. My dad, holding his baby, crying out for hers- such a helpless feeling that must’ve been.
I wondered if in that moment he loved me with the immensity that I loved my dead son.
I wondered if, for my sake, he wished I could die too. So my pain could subside and I could enter eternity. Knowing he would then be faced with the same reality I was…
But what ways can your mind allow you to creatively brainstorm to get your child out of inescapable pain?
I can only imagine. Because I’ve never held my child who ached for a dead one and pray I never do. I’ve only held empty arms, aching for one that would never return.
When Rune was standing up in his bassinet tonight, I knew what was about to happen.
The only option was to put him in the only available crib.
Valor’s.
The one where he took his last breaths.
It always felt so wrong before. It’s why I wouldn’t ever entertain the thought of putting Reverie in there.
But tonight, there were no other options, and the thought…
almost comforted me? It almost felt like an invitation from Valor, himself.
I scooped him up, kissed his big bald head and smiled. “It’s time, isn’t it?” I thought.
And went and got Justice.
The irony is- TODAY, Justice randomly started cleaning out this room. It was piled with baby clothes, baskets and bins, -it was A MESS. And he cleaned it out… today.
The only thing left to clean out was the crib which was filled to the brim with…. “Valor.”
Large print photos of him from his funeral, art that had been painted of him for us, bags of his clothes- or clothes he was going to grow into. Stuffed animals, his sheet, pillow….all the remnants… of him.
Justice and I with Beckham and Natalie’s help, slowly pulled it all out and set it on shelves.
To make room… for Rune.
Once it was all cleaned out, we made the bed, set the fan for sound, the monitor, and we all kissed him and layed him down.
I
held my breath, and walked out.
I used to not even be able to walk past this door without a visceral reaction. A racing heart, tears swelling, or total avoidance of it all together so as not to completely disassociate.
Tonight I was able to clean it out, make the bed and set my baby right where my other took his last breaths. With a smile and thoughts of God and his mercy and grace.
Tomorrow I’ll move the rocking chair back in there.
The same one I used to rock Valor in as I sang
“Oh mighty man of Valor
Your are so brave and bold.
You’re filled with such a purpose.
I long to watch unfold.”
The same rocking chair that I rocked Valor with tears falling on his big bald head and begged God “Please don’t take him from me”- unaware of why I was praying those words, inches away from where he would in fact, call his soul home.
Tomorrow night I’ll rock Rune.
I’ll sing over him.
Tears will fall on his big bald head.
I’ll think of Val.
And praise God for redeeming spiritual hearts, emotional minds, and even physical cribs too.
Beautiful… your words, God’s love, your family, redemption… all of it, so beautiful!
Our Redeemer, Sustainer, and Hope.