Surrender: Part Eight; A Home in Exchange for a Heart

Near Death to Fully Alive

On the day that Rune turned the same age Valor was the day that he died, Justice stood on the ledge of a rock at the Grand Canyon.

….He was there to end his life.

But instead of ending his life…
he surrendered it.

To Christ.

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It’s not really my story to tell.
That’s why I’ve been so silent the past month.

While I will leave the full story in Justices hands to tell one day if he ever chooses.
I can say that for me, the day was traumatic and gut wrenching.

And yet, because of what God did…
beautifully worth it all.

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May 24th 2025, is a day that will forever be marked in our lives as monumental.

A trajectory change for our marriage, family, and every single simple and complex detail of our story from here on out.

This. truly. changes. everything.

The fruit I have seen bear out in the time frame from that day until today-
Is nothing short of a miracle.

All I know is Justice left our home one way,
And came home
The same person, yet completely different.

This marks the beginning of a story, that I’m experiencing in real time.

I’m watching the Lord work
and prune
and mold
and chisel
and change things in a way that leaves me…

breathlessly in awe.

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Life… if I’m being honest, has felt like a labyrinth.

A winding maze carved through shadow and light.
Hedges like ancient walls, branches thick and gnarled.

There have been twisted weeds & vines that have come alive without warning violently coiling around us- trying to choke the life from our eyes.
In the nick of time, a hand reaches down with a sword and rescues.

Amid pain and wrestle and wandering…corridors of beauty have sprung up.
Corners along the way, lined with blooms so fragrant, beauty so unearthly, they almost make you forget the sorrow.

A life-labyrinth
of war,
beauty,
foretaste,
wonder,
and transformation.

---

I spent 28 years of my life as an enemy of God.
Then four years of my saved life- unequally yoked & wrestling with flesh and life and belief and brand new soul-crushing grief from losing a child.

I remember just waiting for it to happen for Justice.
Waiting for his heart to soften.
For the veil to lift.
For him to surrender his life at the foot of the cross.

When Valor died 6 months after I became a Christian… I looked at the jagged pathway ahead of us and couldn’t fathom walking it alone, in a separate reality from him.

At some point months into our grief, I remember walking through our home in the dark after bedtime, sobbing. Carrying the essential oil ‘Valor’ in my hand, anointing every doorway.

“God, I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know if anointing these stupid door frames with this stupid oil will do anything. I don’t know what my prayers are doing in the spiritual realm. I don’t know anything. But I beg of you—save Justice. Even if it costs me my life.”

And I meant it.

I often thought- if losing a son didn’t wake him from his slumber- maybe losing a wife would.

So I would pray often with eyes slammed shut, gritted teeth, and clenched fists, bracing for impact.
“Do whatever it takes.”

And now… I’m trying to wrap my mind around the fact that my husband really is….saved.

All the prayers.
All the tears.
All the pleading with God on his behalf…
The hundreds, if not thousands of prayers prayed…
And to be alive to see it happen.
Not in my own timing or my own way.
But in His.

God, in his mercy, didn’t ask for my life in exchange.
But for reasons unknown, in a way, he did ask for my home.

---

All of this has been unfolding in this season in our own life.
A season of standing at a ledge of sorts.
A precipice.
A season of surrender.

---

I had finally agreed to sell our home for a few different reasons:

Our lives had been so obviously pruned.
Everything down to even our church and close family— was cut to what I can only describe as being nothing but a bare naked stump.

Justice’s eyes met mine on more than one occasion-
None of my excuses for staying existed anymore.

“We have nothing here.” He would say.

Justice had wanted to leave for awhile, but I was only ever open to it, when God finally removed everything.

But I couldn’t understand how leaving this home, taking the only source of stability we’ve known and laying it on the altar- would somehow be good for us.

But one day, I finally found a very specific thing that finally allowed me to release my grip…

& I thought that one thing would ultimately lead to Justice’s salvation.

And that one thing….was L’Abri.

If you’re wondering what the heck that is… Keep reading.

L’Abri, which means “The Shelter” in French, was started by Francis and Edith Schaeffer in Switzerland in the 80’s. It now exists in many different places around the world.

In short; L’Abri is a Christian study center where you can go to live short term in community. It’s a home designed as a safe place to be able to ask hard questions, study, and live everyday life together with strangers from all different walks of life.

Essentially you live within a large home with other people, study half the day (anything you want), then spend the other half cleaning, cooking, chopping wood, doing normal life with others. You get assigned a mentor that you meet with weekly, and you listen to lectures, attend church together, watch movies, eat and converse around long tables, and just… live.

They believe that if Christianity is true, it can be tested. That it has real answers to every real-life problem.

The workers at L’abri, let the gospel breathe out through simple hospitality by giving and pouring into the souls that find themselves in the doors of L’Abri.

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When I heard of it… that was it.
That was what we desperately needed.
Mentorship. Discipleship. Guidance. Community.
To be held. To have room to grow and learn.

That was the only thing that made sense to me for what could possibly be next for us.

So I presented the idea of going to L’Abri to Justice and asked… “Would you go here? Would you be willing to go live here, for a full ‘term’ (3 Months) before we move our family across the country to another state or whatever comes next for us… Would you be willing to go here first?”

And he was.

So we got on the waitlist for the one in England, and listed the house.

If we went, all 7 of us would be living in a 2 bedroom flat on the same property as the large manor where the rest of the community of people would live. L’Abri was not necessarily designed for families, but they were willing to host us and had a small ‘flat’ that could accommodate a small family.

This was part of— if not THE reason why I finally released my grip on this home, because I had this idea -to cling to.

I didn’t care how or when or what I had to go through in order to get all 7 of these weary bodies across the ocean and onto the doorstep of an old English manor with nothing but soft hearts, empty cups, and willing souls.

”If we could just get there…” I thought as I tossed and turned at night thinking of the future.

This was my attempt at reaching for the hem of Jesus’ garment for healing— not only for me, but my entire family. And for Justice specifically.

It didn’t sound easy.
If anything, it sounded like one of the hardest things we would ever ever do.

I mean, 7 people, in a 2 bedroom flat? Across the ocean, in England?

But I also knew that the level of sanctification we would go through, was a fire I was willing to run toward and through, for the sole purpose of becoming whoever it is we would be on the other side of that experience.

I was desperate to be able to give Justice the time and space he needed to wrestle.

And I believed with all my heart God would reveal Himself to him there.

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But instead…

It was here.

On a cliff. At the Grand Canyon.
(And believe me— the irony of my last post The Grand Canyon, isn’t lost on me)

Justice left the house on a painful day without warning & drove 12 hours to Arizona, stood at a ledge where I almost became a widow, and instead—

became equally yoked.
_

You know, in a very profound spiritual way, Justice did jump…

and Justice Christian Chaparro walked out…
alive.

Born again at 33 years young.

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And so here we are.

This all happened right as our house sold. 5 Days after we accepted an offer.

— On May 19th, we received the most beautiful offer from a family in Dallas who wrote a letter, included a picture of their family, offered asking price and asked if we were willing to close in September.
The 4 year anniversary of Valors death.

And I’m not saying that God literally required my home, in exchange for the heart of Justice.

But I’m not saying he didn’t either.
I don’t know how it all works down to a science,
I just know how He personally worked in this - with us.


In two months, we will leave this home. 2,849 days after we entered it.

We still have no idea where we are going.

L’Abri is still a possibility. But the earliest we can go is Spring of 2026. And because of everything that has happened since May 24th… I no longer feel the urgency to make that the ultimate goal like I once did.

I find myself in tears often these days over the unsureness of our future.
The grief I still feel in this surrender.
And all my questions ‘why’?

But many of those tears are also..
In relief.
In awe.
In humble, gratitude for His mercy in the
certainty of eternity.

So while I may have not a clue yet as to where we are going…
What I do know is… we’re leaving…
alive.

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Through this journey, I am so so so thankful for the community of people who have prayed for us.
For Justice.
For our family.

I am utterly convinced that the tiniest, even shortest prayers uttered on our behalf in secret— have made all the difference in this story.

I know that this earth shattering event of Justice’s salvation, was the culmination of many, many people’s prayers for us and God’s sovereign choice and mercy.

And I am learning that a small seed of faith sewn willingly, even if laid to die in weepy obedience, can yield the the most beautiful fruit that is truly… truly worth it all.

I know what it feels like to beg God with tear-stained cheeks to save the life of a child,
or the soul of a spouse…or even a home.

and to watch him say no.

And to have to learn to trust that somehow it is for your good and his glory.

But I’ve now also been given a glimpse… of the manifold gardens He’s always, always planting behind the veil when we choose to follow him long enough, to see it with our
Very. Own. Eyes.

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Though I am walking so blindly in faith, as this story unfolds completely unaware of what will come next for our family…

I promise that as the Lord permits me to bring you along for what’s next, I will do so with intention, and reverence and joy.

Hoping with passion, that no matter what it looks like from here…

You will see God’s face magnificently, and beautifully, through the shattered stained glass story…
of us.

This was the song I chose for Valor’s funeral. It was the final song we played. It was meant for his birth video, a soundtrack to welcome him into this world. Instead, it became an invitation through his death for others. I could think of no better song to offer here, at the end of this substantial post.
If you long for new life, know that you too, can jump from life’s ledge, and be born again.