Surrender: Part Four

I didn't think there would be so many 'parts' to this..

It’s been 16 days since our house hit the market, which for all intents and purposes- is not a long time. Like at all. Especially in today’s market.

However, with 5 kids to juggle, and 4100sq feet to keep clean- it feels like a lifetime.

I’ve been in prayer, tears, and constant dialogue with the Lord. Laying it all at His feet.
Asking all the questions.
Waging all the war.
Letting all the wounds breathe out loud unto Him.

The wait-
The work-
The wondering- is all sanctifying me.

Daily, I feel a level of pride being stripped, as a level of anger and vexation rises to the surface.
Strip.
Slowly, the anger & vexation give way to…
A contrite heart.

Which then produces tears,
Which produce prayers,
Which produce praise.

A few hours (or sometimes minutes) later, pride starts to rise again, and the cycle repeats.

My soul has cried out, Why, God? Why would You call us to something, only to ask us to wait?

And then I open my Bible, and I see the pages soaked in it:

Isaiah 40:31:

"But those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not faint"

Psalm 27:14:

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!"

Psalm 37:7:

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!

Lamentations 3:25

“The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.”

Isaiah 30:18

“Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him.

Psalm 130:5-6

“I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning.”

Psalm 33:20-22

“Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you.”

Exodus 14:14

“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

Psalm 37:34

“Wait for the Lord and keep his way, and he will exalt you to inherit the land; you will look on when the wicked are cut off.”

Psalm 62:5

“For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.”

Isaiah 64:4

“From of old no one has heard or perceived by the ear, no eye has seen a God besides you, who acts for those who wait for him.”

Genesis 49:18

“I wait for your salvation, O Lord.”

Waiting seems to be stitched in the fabric of the Christian life. But more than inactive- tapping your foot, looking at the clock type of waiting- it’s a call to participatory waiting.

To seek Him in it.
To let the longing draw us near.
To thirst for the only One who can satisfy—not the outcome, but the God of the outcome.
To remember that He is not dormant in the delay.

He is aligning.
He is sanctifying.
He is drawing hearts.
He is doing things in the unseen that we may never understand—strategic, holy things that go beyond what we thought we were waiting for.

Maybe the wait is as much of the point, as the answer.
Maybe the wait is the gift.
Maybe the true miracle is the surrendered, purged heart that finally stops grasping for control and simply says: “Whatever You want, Lord… I want that too.”

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In these 16 days, the Lord has gently, and sometimes painfully, revealed something in me:
My hope wasn’t truly in Him alone in all of this.

It was also in the outcome.
In the dollar amount I thought we needed.
In the quiet pride I had in our home- a pride that masked a deeper dependence on money as our source of provision.

And while money is a real necessity on this earth, if everything had gone perfectly and if we sold right away, at full price, without a hitch- I would have been so tempted to take credit. So quick to sigh in relief singing:

“I lift up my eyes to the hills The Home, From where does my help come from? My help came from The Lord The home, the maker of heaven and earth that I bought and I poured my $, blood, sweat, tears and heart into.

Psalm 121 (Mikayla Standard Version)

A few days ago, we lowered the price. It cut deep. Not just because this house holds so much more than monetary value to us- but because the money had become part of the “balm” in the loss. It is after-all, our only nest egg. This was our consolation. A “Well, at least we’ll have this…” after so much surrender.

We lost our son. We’ve lost a lot more than most know. I thought, surely, this we’ll get to keep all of.
This we’ve earned.

But those thoughts, those quiet entitlements began to unravel in the waiting.

A few days before all of this, I had received a gift from a friend in the mail. A book titled Answered Prayers by George Müller.

If you’re not familiar, Müller was a man who ran orphanages solely on prayer—never once announcing needs publicly or asking for funds. He believed the Lord could and would provide everything through prayer alone, and he kept detailed records to testify to that truth.

Time and again, God came through. Down to the exact dollar and cent. Always on time. Always enough.

Here is one of the first pages:

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How to Ascertain The Will of God

I seek at the beginning to get my heart into such a state that it has no will of it’s own in regard to a given matter. Nine tenths of the trouble with people generally is just here. Nine-tenths of the difficulties are overcome when our hearts are ready to do the Lord’s will, whatever it may be. When one is truly in this state, it is usually but a little way to the knowledge of what His will is.

2. Having done this, I do not leave the result to feeling or simple impression. If so, I make myself liable to great delusions.

3. I seek the Will of the Spirit of God through, or in connection with, the Word of God. The Spirit and the Word must be combined. If I look to the Spirit alone without the Word, I lay myself open to great delusions also. If the Holy Ghost guides us at all, He will do it according to the Scriptures and never contrary to them.

4. Next, I take into account providential circumstances. These often plainly indicate God’s will in connection with His Word and Spirit.

5. I ask God in prayer to reveal His Will to me aright.

6. Thus, through prayer to God the study of the Word, and reflection, I come to a deliberate judgement according to the best of my ability and knowledge, and if my mind is thus at peace, and continues so after two or three more petitions, I proceed accordingly. In trivial matters, and in transactions involving the most important issues, I have found this method always effective.

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I’m still sitting with that. I’m convicted and encouraged by his legacy of truly living an entire life Waiting on the Lord- in everything, for everything.

Is my heart truly yielded?
Not just willing, but yielded.

Not just willing to wait, but willing to worship in the wait. To accept the answer, to accept his timing, to accept his provision in whatever means it comes- even if it looks nothing like I thought it would.

This is the slow work of grace:
To be undone, and remade.
To release the idol of outcome.
To be pruned of pride and replanted in trust.

So here I am. Still waiting. I still rinsing and repeating process of:
Pride, Annoyance, Softening, Contriteness, Weaping, Worship, Waiting.

But I know that the wait won’t be for nothing.
Like a pearl, a butterfly, an oak, or birth.
The best things take time.
They stretch you, test you, pressurize you, hurt you, prune you, grow you, refine you.

But they are always
- whether on this side of heaven or the next-
Always worth the wait.