Surrender: Part One
Letting Go of Home, Holding On to Him
If you’re on social media, I announced on Friday, that our home will officially be for sale in about 2-3 weeks. And that after it’s officially under contract, we will hold a living estate sale- and sell almost everything we own.
I’ve talked about the possibility of selling our home for a few years now- and I’m utterly thankful that God has allowed me this long in order to wrestle with him over it. I think it would have taken no less time to get to the point I am now: In complete and total surrender.
I’m thankful we had the opportunity to have our last two babies here without rushing out. I’m thankful that we’ve had time to build more memories and have more of our healing in our family since Valor’s death.
While I will say that we feel God has led us to this precipice,- I won’t say that God “told us” to do this.
I believe that we are free in Christ, and should we have chosen to stay here forever- I truly believe God would be here with us through it all.
I don’t believe we can ever be ‘outside God’s will’. Thankfully, we who are free in Christ, are free indeed.
He is down every fork in the road, whether it leads to prosperity or poverty, loss or gain- his sovereign hand ordains it all. And it has nothing to do with what we deserve or earn, and everything to do with his heart and plans for the sanctification of our souls.
Sometimes some choices are wiser than others, and there are natural consequences or benefits to making said choices. But none of it is not by his hand.
And that reality- of a complete and sovereign God- takes a lot of pressure off when making life altering decisions for yourselves and your family.
Do I still cry every other day at the thought of driving off and seeing this home in my rearview, knowing I’ll never again see it as my front-view?
Yes.
Do I have moments I worry that I’m ripping the rug from under my children’s feet, after they’ve endured so much and that I’ll be causing irreparable harm?
Yes.
Do I worry that months or years from now- we still won’t have a real sense of ‘home’, or roots, or permanence- and I’ll scream and cry and say to Justice, “WHY DID WE LEAVE OUR HOME!! THAT WAS THE STUPIDEST THING WE HAVE EVER DONE!!”
Yes.
Do I have moments I start hyperventilating thinking, what if we are giving up the best home we will ever have had the chance of owning in this life (because of the housing market, economy, the nature of our work/ entrepreneurship with this many kids)
Yes.
But more than any of that, there’s a steady, constant peace running underneath everything happening right now.
Since Valor’s death, God has continually and very obviously pruned every square inch of our life. And in doing so, he has cut every tether.
And He has made this decision an easier one—not by removing pain, but by allowing so much severance that the way forward feels unmistakable.
From our very child’s life- to friendships- to family- to church- to the way our business operates… we’ve been praying about this for a long time. And we can’t help but feel that God’s hand is lovingly encouraging this direction.
However, while we are confident about leaving this behind. We have little clarity about what exactly lies ahead.
And I think that’s the hardest part of all of this. God has not exactly lit the whole path for us.
Most people leave their home with a clear sense of where they’re going next.
Whether renting or buying, they don’t usually step forward without knowing what’s ahead. But for us, there are no clear visions of the future—no mapped-out destination. Just the quiet waiting on the Lord.
We are waiting for some things to align, some doors to open, & for his hand to reveal the exact next step.
(We do have *some* idea of what’s happening- but not quite sure enough to make a full announcement)
For now, it is clear this decision is just surrender. Walking by faith into the complete unknown. Like stepping off a ledge, into a dark void- and trusting that God will catch us.
But my theology—and more importantly, my knowledge of God’s character—reminds me that “catching us” doesn’t mean placing us gently into a three-story victorian farmhouse surrounded by rolling hills of wildflowers with a tree lined drive.
Sometimes… God leads His people into places that don’t look anything like a dream fulfilled. When you choose to follow God, you’re not guarenteed to trade up.
Sometimes….He loving leads…
To a brother being sold into slavery.
Or calls for the sacrifice of an only son.
Or allows enemies to give chase.
Or sets a course through forty years of wilderness wandering.
Or exile.
Or even martyrdom.
Yet in His infinite wisdom, goodness, and mercy, He never abandoned those He led into such places. His will was accomplished perfectly—both for their good and for His glory—though their circumstances were anything but easy.
The truth is, I don’t want what is easiest for my family. Or what is most comfortable. Or what fits neatly into an American Dream.
I want what is best. Because in the end, what I really long for is not a house, but a permanent dwelling, with beauty untainted, where we are together- forever with our creator. And I know that whether I ever see even a small reflection of that kind of home on earth- the real thing awaits us in heaven.
Scripture calls us sojourners on earth, (1 Chronicles 29:15) I guess I might as well get used to that term.
The truth is, Justice & I have lived a lot of our life upside down and backwards from the order God designed it, and we ourselves, and our household have paid a price for that over the years.
Of course God has been mercifully and faithfully weaving it all for our good and his glory.
But we’ve come to a decision- that whatever time we have left on earth, we are heaven bent on going forward, toward Him, begging him to conform our will to His, and seeing us all formed closer and closer into His very image.
“Take it all, Lord. Just give me you.” Is the continual cry of my heart.
And how beautiful it is that He Himself is the one who created that very cry in my heart, by stripping me to the point where it could be the only cry my heart could make.
I keep holding on to two phrases during this season:
One by my pastor a couple years ago during a sermon after Valor died:
"Whatever the Lord asks you to surrender to him in this life, He will return tenfold and sanctified."
I know that doesn’t mean what the prosperity gospel would twist it into.
It means that whatever we let go and give to Him in faith—whatever the outcome—will be far greater than we could imagine and more sanctified than before we gave it up.
So while I don’t expect a mansion to show up via Amazon Prime, I do know that the home God is building within us—where He Himself resides—
Will be far greater than I dare ask or think.
The second phrase I’m holding onto is from my aunt Faith.
She said it to me in the hospital as I held Valor for the last time.
As I held my lifeless child, the weight of him keeping part of me tethered to the room, while the other part detached from my body… watching in third person, my world be ripped to shreds.
She leaned down, gripped my hand, tears falling from her eyes to meet mine… and said:
"When you survive this, what else will you have to fear?"
And the answer I’ll continue to answer with my life is…
NOTHING.
Psalm 27
The Lord is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?
When evildoers assail me
to eat up my flesh,
my adversaries and foes,
it is they who stumble and fall.
Though an army encamp against me,
my heart shall not fear;
though war arise against me,
yet I will be confident.
One thing have I asked of the Lord,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and to inquire in his temple.
For he will hide me in his shelter
in the day of trouble;
he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
he will lift me high upon a rock.
And now my head shall be lifted up
above my enemies all around me,
and I will offer in his tent
sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make melody to the Lord.
Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud;
be gracious to me and answer me!
You have said, “Seek my face.”
My heart says to you,
“Your face, Lord, do I seek.”
Hide not your face from me.
Turn not your servant away in anger,
O you who have been my help.
Cast me not off; forsake me not,
O God of my salvation!
For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
but the Lord will take me in.
Teach me your way, O Lord,
and lead me on a level path
because of my enemies.
Give me not up to the will of my adversaries;
for false witnesses have risen against me,
and they breathe out violence.
I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living!
Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord!