Why I Haven't Quite "Returned" to Social Media Yet

Back in November I was feeling the pull to step away from social media as a whole.

It was the first holiday season I felt even an ounce of the Christmas spirit since losing Valor, and I knew that in and of itself was proof of great progress made in our grief journey.
And it deserved savoring.

So I joyfully deleted my doom scroll apps.

The first 10 days were the hardest- my hand would reach for my phone, thumb would swipe without hesitation searching for it’s vice- like some sort of phantom limb.

Turns out the muscle memory is harder to overcome than the mere decision to do something different.

But after those initial days, I was grateful I had made the decision. My mind was calmer, my anxiety lessened, and I felt more at home in my own body, and life.

I promised myself I would be off until after the new year. But here it is February 1st and I still feel the quiet voice of the Lord telling me- “not yet.”

I have redownloaded the apps a few times to check messages, do some work on our Dawn Photo Co account- and then inevitably found myself scrolling. - To which my new muscle memory is to delete it again.

I’m equal parts thankful and frustrated that this is the time period in which God has drawn the boundaries of my dwelling. (Acts 17)

I still have not quite figured out if social media is a temptation and fleshly desire I must slay- or a tool he’d like to use me within.
I suppose it can be both, perhaps in different seasons depending on what work he’s doing within me.

I’m still not sure where writing publicly fits into all of this, either.

I’ve written for quite awhile through my journey since losing Valor. It’s something I find cathartic. My own writing helps me sift through life and thought complexities- and then for some reason hitting publish is like letting go for awhile.

But everything I’ve written also serves as a mile-marker, something I can return to and be reminded how far I’ve actually come. I enjoy leaving a trail of progress. Little red ribbons tied in the dense forest I’m making my way out of. (No matter how embarrassing it is to go back and re-read my old writings.)

Plus, writing is a tiny but hopeful source of income—a dream I hope I’ll someday see fully realized.

But can I be honest?

Since having Rune, I’ve reached a level of disintegration and feel I have nothing to offer.

I feel like a shapeless, ugly blob of goop—stripped down, in the messy middle of becoming.

A couple of years ago, I wrote about the transformation of a caterpillar into a butterfly—how, inside the cocoon, it doesn’t just gradually transform; it dissolves. If you were to cut it open mid-metamorphosis, you’d not find some hybrid of a half caterpillar half butterfly. You would find liquid- its old self completely dissolved.

I think I’m just deep in the cocoon of becoming right now. There’s not really beauty here yet. Just the unsettling process of breaking down before building into something new.

I want to be a Proverbs 31 woman. I want to be a woman of valor.
But right now- all I see in my reflection is a tired, short tempered, overwhelmed, overstimulated, whiny, unsure, unconfident, unorganized, and unrecognizable creature.

And I’ve been wrestling with what- as a christian- I’m called to do in this season of motherhood, wifehood, grief, growth and metamorphosis.

Something that might seem a bit radical- but the more I’ve wrestled with it all, the more I believe that if Christians choose to be within the landscape of social media, we ought to be at a place in our walk where we can and do actually produce salt or light or leaven in that space. -
Not just lie low, look exactly like the world, or mindlessly consume.

And I can’t and won’t pretend to know what that’s supposed to look like for each and every individual. I am not the voice of conviction for the whole world. So please don’t hear me wrong.

But here’s what I’ve been convicted about my own journey: I think God wanted to pry me from social media a long time ago.

And if I had been obedient, maybe I’d be closer to where I want to be in my formation as a Christian woman, wife, human and mother. But I held onto it, convincing myself it was my voice, my validation, my proof that I, and Valor mattered. I told myself I was just using the platform God gave me for good, (and while good has come from it) the reality is that

It is the very proof that I lacked the kind of faith I have claimed to have.

Let me explain:

When we are in the wilderness (which is metaphor for a hard season- a season of lack- be that relationships, finances, love, attention, any need going unmet) Satan tempts us to turn stones into bread—to feed and sustain ourselves rather than trusting that God can sustain us, no matter where we are.

So we end up taking things into our own hands, because we actually lack FAITH that God can show up and provide exactly what we need where we are- despite what circumstances make look like. We lack faith that He could either provide the exact substance to our need- OR that he would provide the grace to sustain us while we suffer.

Social media has been my making bread from stone.

God was asking me to trust Him in the wilderness—
Satan was tempting me to sustain myself.

Social media has filled the void where a mother should be, where sisters and friends should be. The void of provision. The void of significance. The void of worth.

And I ate of it because I lacked faith that God could provide through another means.

It has been a vice. A means of escape. A source of comparison, consumption, and a temptation to conform to the world.

Through my months without it, I began to ask myself when contemplating going back to it -

What do I produce there, and what does it produce in me?

Do I produce in others love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control?
And does being within that space produce those things within me?

For me, the honest answer was no.

I do believe I’ll get to a different place someday. I’m growing in grace, day by day, and the refining fires that have melted me down—like molten metal, all my impurities rising to the surface—will, in time, give way to something stronger. Someday I’ll be a weapon that can actually hold its shape, able to withstand the wild terrain of the online world in a way that honors my family, Christ, and my calling without making any compromises.

I don’t believe it’s coincidence that I was called to live in this time period where social media and online lives exist. I don’t believe it’s coincidence that God grew my platform after Valor’s death.

I know God is not finished with using me. I know He has used me even in my darkest hour. Somehow, He has nourished souls through the nectar of words I chose to write and share. And for that—to God be the glory.

Because it was only ever Him.

For now, I feel the conviction to stay off that space for awhile as much as I possibly can.

And to have faith and believe that God can provide community, worth, significance, provision, friendship, opportunities, help, balm, and even a little bit of dopamine for my brain- through other means lol.

I’ll continue to let the holy spirit lead, and be obedient in where he’s calling me right now, in each hour of each day. Knowing at any moment things can change.

I know social media is not the devil. Like everything, it has been used for both good and evil in those who create on it, and those who consume on it.

I just want to be very raw and vulnerable in saying that I am not who I want to be on it yet, and until I am, I think I need to take a step back and let my metamorphosis continue in the unseen world offline.

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If you would, friends- if you see this. Will you be praying for me? In my desperate attempts to grow in my role as a mother and wife. In which I feel so very ill-equipped.
For provision from the Father, direction in work, family, schooling, writing, and our spiritual lives.
Pray for supernatural rest in my utter exhaustion and that Gods power be made perfect through all my utter failures and weaknesses.
That His softening and molding me would soon give way to the creature He created me to be. And that through the entire process, He’d have tender mercy on my soul.